nut hugger
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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