Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
