Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
