did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And then my night got REAL pukey
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
