His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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