I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
