Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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