Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
