I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
