How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
