I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
