I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
