Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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