My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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