just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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