Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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