if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You did what with his pubic hair?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
