Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Randomize
