i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
