Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My vagina is officially offended.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
