this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
