Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
