I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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