i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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