I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
