I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
