i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
