Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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