Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
