people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
