FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
