bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
