whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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