chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
