Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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