I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
