its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
