Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
