He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
