I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
