And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
