don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We got so high we made milksteak
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
