im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
