I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
