So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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