why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
