I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
