What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
