So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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