I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
