glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
