i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
