Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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