bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
